Temagami
Wind roaring in my face
Water splashing on my arm
Sweat dripping down my neck
As I’m trying to paddle harder and harder
Sinking my teeth into the moment
Finally I’m happy, were at the end of the lake
Break time
A Portage
Wind roaring in my face
Water splashing on my arm
Sweat dripping down my neck
As I’m trying to paddle harder and harder
Sinking my teeth into the moment
Finally I’m happy, were at the end of the lake
Break time
A Portage
As I start taking 1 step at a time
Keeping my eye on the ground
Trying not to think of the weight on my back
I see the water ready to give up
As I look closer I see more path
Its not the water just the sky
I keep going until finally the end
Campfires that burn slowly
Keeping my eye on the ground
Trying not to think of the weight on my back
I see the water ready to give up
As I look closer I see more path
Its not the water just the sky
I keep going until finally the end
Campfires that burn slowly
Crackling like there is no end
With warm dinner cooking
And the smells of good food
Setting up tents
In the dark
There is no end
Finally,We lie down in our sleeping bags
In our tents,
And wait for sleep to happen.
Then it starts all over again
Then it starts all over again
Bike
My head is hurting
I have about 80 pounds sitting on it
And something holding my arms
My legs are moving continuously
I’m moving faster and faster as it twists my hands
I see a piece of wood slanted upward
I’m moving towards it
Ahhh
I lift off in the air
And I’m thinking about how long I will stay here
Finally I drop to the ground and it keeps moving me
My legs hurt
After hearing an explosion
The pressure is off my head
But
Something keeps grabbing my legs
It’s trying to see what’s wrong
It throws me to the ground
And abandons me
Never to come back again
1 comment:
Hey Scott,
Great job in both poems. I really think you described the Temagami trip well in just a few words. Just a few points:
Instead of saying "Oh no a portage", just say "A portage". "Oh no a portage" sounds a bit childish and less professional than it could be.
Also, try to break up your lines. just like when you said: "Finally I'm happy, we're at the end of the lake", you can split it up to this: "Finally I'm happy/We're at the end of the lake". Even break it up like this: "Trying not to think/Of the weight on my back", and it'll look better. Also try to mention sleeping in sleeping bags and tents, the dinners, campfires, and so on, maybe after "Juice crystals". A sample:
Juice crystals
Campfires that burn slowly
Crackling like there is no end
With warm dinner cooking over them
And the smells of good food
Setting up tents
In the dark
There is no end
Finally,
We lie down in our sleeping bags
In our tents,
And wait for sleep to happen.
Then it starts all over again.
Don't use the same thing, but base it around that. Just use that in the end, and add everything I suggested, and I think your poem will be great.
-Daniel Oh
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